Moving away from issues of class, Miss Cheapist ponders the existence of a priceless, and common form of cheapness: emotional withholding and its counterpart, cowardice. Although Miss Cheapist has maintained a somewhat functioning, stable relationship for many years now, she has observed and noticed among her friends' mates, and even, occasionally, in the behavior of her own current and past partners, the phenomenon of emotional cheapness.
In 2001, Miss Cheapist dated a Manhattan assistant D.A., who, at first blush, had the looks, literacy, and quick wit of someone worthy of a serious crush. Things skipped along for at least four months, and he had even dropped the L word, when the terror attacks of September 11 took place. Miss Cheapist, completely overwhelmed with feelings of vulnerability (shared probably by many in the tri-state area and nation), was traumatized by images of bodies falling out of the sky, which triggered memories of past losses. Naturally she became somewhat "needy," clinging to the D.A., as a beacon of hope in a world that seemed to be dismantling. Instead of responding with understanding, or even puffing up with some constructed sense of masculine protectiveness (after all, he did have a gun collection, and was ready for the end), this Mr. Perfect responded with disgust and old-world stoicism. A month of withheld intimacy later, he retracted his declaration of love and said he changed his mind about everything. Then he disappeared, never to be contacted again.
Miss Cheapist, humiliated, but quickly realizing that friends were far more reliable in the healing process than any romantic entanglement, quickly erased him from her short-term memory, only using him as an cautionary tale for how signs of emotional cheapness can rarely be detected in the first few months of dating bliss, when one is blinded with the possibility that she has found someone compatible, someone who "gets" her. Miss Cheapist has heard similar stories of emotional abandonment from her attractive and successful female friends, who at first find seemingly "perfect" men who are unbelievably smitten with them. It is only after a short period (no more than 6 months), when Mr Perfect's character or abilities are tested; the woman makes the terrible mistake of "asking for more," and suddenly, the man is inscrutable, claiming that he has nothing to give, and thus, can not commit. How could she not see that he is not "ready," he asks. In fact, many of these men don't even have the courage to break up; they withhold emotion and compassion, with the hopes that they will appear so repulsive that the woman will do the dirty work for them and say goodbye forever in some hysterical and typically "crazy-woman" manner. How cheap. It's the emotional equivalent of walking away from the bathroom when the bill comes, so that the other person feels obligated to take care of the check.
In fact, it is difficult to detect a man who possesses this quality of emotional cowardice. One can easily present himself as charming and understanding at first. So impersonal and easy to play a role! After all, the D.A. even claimed to Miss Cheapist that he read fiction, his favorite being Michael Ondaatje (the lesser known works, not just The English Patient) to sustain his access to the free and unencumbered. For another friend, M., Mr. Right for Right Now (RFRN), a seemingly humble and socially conscious teacher, claimed that he had no interest in dating other women, until he had a chance to visit Venezuela, where obviously, the sex was so abundant and irresistible that he could no longer maintain their monogamous relationship. In a fit of greed, the RFRN tried to prepare M. before his trip, letting her know that it was impossible for him to pass up "hooking up" with others, if the chance arose, because then he would lament the fact that he was not having "enough fun" while on vacation.
This notion that one must "have fun" at the expense of everything, is the primary engine of emotional cheapness. The emotionally cheap is actually an indulgent and greedy small-brained monster, who actually wants to consume everything it desires, at no price. After all, few really want to deal with the complexities of individuality and eccentricity, when so many industries of the world (not just the nation) are set up for Americans, especially men, to enjoy pleasure without emotion! Why commit to one person, when for the same price of a free dinner, you can have another? Yes, the illusion of variety also perpetuates emotional cheapness, because at a certain point, intimacy is not the goal, but instead test-driving and tasting in the name of knowing ones market is far more important. So in this climate, how does a woman protect herself? Hey don't take it personally. Yes, you may have little flaws and weird aspects to your personality, but that's not why he could not give you what you needed. Know that Mr. RFRN will eventually tire of the pursuit and test drives, only to settle down with someone no more exceptional than yourself, then withholding emotion on a long-term basis, until he can't bear it anymore. After all, you believed he was perfect before you got to know him; do you have the patience to tolerate all of his problems and imperfections if he really came back, begging for forgiveness? Unlikely. Hey, you can be cheap too.
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3 comments:
We are a shoddy lot, a sad species drawn the "New". I suspect, we need either religion or some transcendental force to dislodge our fixation on variety and to instill the fear of a different sort in our noggins such that it overrides our baser impulses.
Perhaps, there is a test for Religion.
Strange, you seem to assume that being emotionally 'generous' (sorry, my only readily available antonym of cheap) is somehow preferable, healthier, and - by golly! - your unalienable right. This smacks of the kind of wounded scorn that comes from spoiled girls who have never grown up. Perhaps the DA wasn't being cheap; perhaps he just generously budgeted his time and energy on pursuits that would be more joyful than stroking and fondling your neuroses. Or perhaps (more likely) he hadn't the tools to deal with his own traumas and fears, so being confronted by yours and having no capacity to assuage them, sparked even greater feelings of failure and self-doubt.
Hence his disappearance... Were you only being emotionally generous in your sharing of your own feelings?
Clearly his collection of guns is moot: the world's greatest army, equipped with enough firepower to destroy the world 10,000 times over, is unable to stop any assailant bent on self-destruction. Doesn't his powerlessness seem that much greater and more pitiful because of the guns?
If all we have left at the end of the day is our precious fabrics of doubt, statuettes of self-contempt, meals and beverages of disease and discontent -- and believe me, I've got plenty of my own -- then emotional cheapness seems like an act of mercy. Dump the baggage; don't buy more!
As for the guy and his sexy Venezuelan vacation -- obviously he wanted out and would rather be perceived as a silly, shallow boy rather than a cruel, fully-formed man. And yes, this too was an act of mercy: it's way easier to move on after being disappointed by a silly boy. And let's be honest: she chose the silly boy to begin with. Once again, stop choosing frogs and crying when they don't turn into princes.
And above all, remember this: men have a long list of priorities, none of which include toting around your emotional baggage. Unless he really, really, is in love with you (ewww); Or, the sex is absolutely extraordinary and FREQUENT!
(Is there such thing as an emotional sex toy? If there is, certainly don't be cheap with those, they might be fun!...)
if you don't like kissing cheap frogs, ladies, become a lesbian. punang tastes better than frog.
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