Need, Want and Wedding Talk

(what free decorations look like, above, the backyard, complete with crew, below)

Often, need and want are mistaken as the same sentiment. Miss Cheapist has often heard people say, one should spend whatever is needed on a wedding because it "only happens once." This tiny phrase seems to give credence to a year of manic spending and anxiety about a simple performance of love and corresponding free dinner that introduces a couple and their surrounding community to a promised "forever" of marital bliss.

Miss Cheapist, often feeling that little is really worth the listed price, much less the energy needed to achieve true perfection, has advised brides that the little priceless touches like toasts and performances by talented friends, often make weddings unique.

A bride-to-be responded to her wryly, "Really? I thought the things you spent extra money on made it unique." It is this exact feeling that leads couples to go into great debt on investments like bridal "boot camp," party favor schwag, gilded cane chairs and Vera Wang fairy dresses. The unlimited market of wedding magazines, reality shows and romantic comedies has led everyone to believe that if they are spending so much money anyway, they deserve a dream wedding...and it better look good in pictures. Consider the story of S. and her wedding:

S. is a community health clinic manager. Her partner is a not-for-profit event planner and aspiring writer. They were offered the opportunity to have a backyard renovation and free garden wedding if they agreed to have the entire experience filmed for a cable TV reality show about do-it-yourself home improvement. The catch: the couple had six weeks to plan everything and only 40 people could fit into the new back yard. S., eager to clean up her overgrown doggy-run of a backyard for free, and hoping to avoid the overspending of her bride friends, accepted the offer. The benefits seemed impossible to resist. Free wedding, free backyard.

Over the six weeks, S. quickly learned, “nothing in this world is free.” After countless arguments, she decided the constraints of the television network were too great, as were the family pressures. No 4^th generation Chinese American princess with extensive family networks in the Bay Area could get away with a small wedding, free or otherwise. So instead of turning down the television offer, she decided to have two weddings...her fake t.v. wedding and a real one as well. The real one would take place a day after, with 250 guests, in a sun-lit downtown Oakland venue. Note that S. is one of those people who does better when the stakes are higher, conditions are artificially constrained, and when situations demand lowered expectations. Each time her ability to work within these self-imposed parameters helped her overcome an obstacle, her sense of nobility grew. She wasn't just planning a wedding...she had a point to make.

In the end, the two weddings were beautiful. As were her two dresses, two dinners, and two bouquets. Miss Cheapist shot several pictures and enjoyed S.'s gay best man's touching rendition of a Tracy Chapman song, which left the Y-generation sobbing and the elders quite confused. Miss Cheapist felt happy for her friend, who had found someone with the same sense of spontaneity as her, with abundant love to offer. More importantly, he embraced both her class guilt and entitled need to "get something for nuthin." He even cooperated with her in the process! In her pursuit of a free backyard, she probably spent as much as any other cost-aware bride, yet, with a shorter planning period, and probably equivalent stress. In the process, she gained a deeper connection to her own "wants," and learned she was capable of paying a little extra to have it her way. However, she also made wedding planning into a sport, managed to shed unnecessary details, infused the experience with a sense of humor, and also made it available to all of us this month to learn from on national television. Kudos to her for that.